Year of Colleen

One New Year's Eve ago, I ran around Fort Mason like a jackass telling everyone that 2015 was going to be the "Year of Colleen." Those are words that I said out loud to people I know. I was wearing a glitter romper and metallic wayfarers with the lenses punched out. 

2015 was good to me, but it was hardly my year. I had a thankless job that consumed literally every hour of daylight (plus some), my social life was lacking; I was emotionally and/or physically exhausted like 97% of the time. Sometimes I'd come home and cry about it. I don't want to say I cried a lot, but I cried enough. Enough that I ugly-cried at the office once or twice, enough that people noticed. One early morning in May, I was in my first car accident. It was borderline terrifying. I knew I had injured my back, and I incurred more than $4,000 worth of damage to my Honda... but I thought "Hold the phone, this means I don't have to go to work today!" Some may call that finding the silver lining, I call it a LOW POINT.

When someone I love is in crisis, I talk a lot about life being short and doing what feeds the soul. In the very recent past, I haven't applied this philosophy to myself. Here's the thing: change is very hard for me. I won't say it scares me, but I definitely struggle with it. Change, for me, is like a stomach bug. I am consumed with it, debilitated for one or two days. It gives me the mouth-sweats and makes me want to stay in bed. Eventually, I do what I need to do and take care of myself. I make my body rise to the occasion, but initially I hate it.

For the reason stated above, this 3 month European adventure is a REALLY big deal for me. It's going to be a lot of change, and that change will be fairly constant for about 90 days. That thought scares me, but I think that's okay. I think that's what I need to do right now. I need to learn how far outside my comfort zone I can be pushed, and how well (or how poorly) I handle certain situations.  I don't want to say this trip is about getting happy - I'm generally a happy person (you've seen my Instagram). It's about growing, and it's about becoming more of who I already am. 

The reason for this website (I can't even bring myself to call it a blog) is twofold. The first reason I am writing about this experience is to practice producing something for public consumption, something a little grander than an Instagram post. I want to see if I enjoy it or if I'd ever consider doing it in exchange for money. The second reason is this: I care a lot (read: too much) about what people think, and for that reason I can lose my voice when I'm feeling vulnerable. I want to have 90 days of being myself, totally and unapologetically, and I want to document it in a genuine way (not just through overhead shots of beautifully plated breakfasts for one). 

I promise not to post for the sake of posting. I promise not to publish 9 paragraphs about a day that I will ultimately conclude was "uneventful." I want this to be entertaining, I want it to be funny, I want it to be relatable. And even after telling you that I want to be more mindful of valuing other people's opinions at the expense of my own, I sincerely hope you like it.